elbaT ehT nuR esaelP ,tiorteD

I'm a fan of the San Francisco 49ers. Right now, the franchise is struggling to produce a winning product; and the team has a (interim) coach with questionable motivation tactics that will be fired before the end of 2009. However, one of the few things in which I can take solace is that as bad as the 'Niners currently are, we have nothing on the steaming pile of epic fail that is the Detroit Lions. The Lions lost again this past Sunday, making them 0-15 on the season. I'm sure that there is a good amount of football fans that want to see them complete infamous history and run the table in reverse; but I have a small request for the final game against the Packers. More after the random pic...

See, Detroit losing 42-7 again like they did yesterday is fine because it's a microcosm of just how inferior the team is to the rest of the NFL. However, I don't want another blowout. In fact, I want Detroit to be winning going into the fourth quarter crunch time. I want the players' and coaches' spirits to be high. I want owner William Clay Ford to believe, "Yes, we can! Our players still care!" When they score a touchdown, I want them to look like this:


Look at that joy. It's almost as if they believe they're still respected as a professional team. Anyway, back to my outcome for the game. In the fourth quarter, I want the Lions to be ahead of the Packers by, say, four points. Then, I want Aaron Rodgers to channel Joe Montana, Tom Brady, and Peyton Manning and lead Green Bay down the field on a last-minute touchdown drive for the win. To make it better, I want the touchdown pass to come with no time left.

What I'm trying to say is: I just don't want the Lions to lose tomorrow...I want it to hurt. I want Rod Marinelli's soul to be crushed, just to see if he'll something else smart to say in the postgame press conference. The reason why I don't want a blowout is because that's too easy of an escape for them. Any team can lay down for a game and just go through the motions, which is what Detroit has appeared to be doing this entire season. A close game means that the players have actully risen up and attempted to keep their names from history. A loss like that would be fitting punishment for a collection of players and coaches that chose to wallow in ineptitude. I refuse to believe that paid athletes can't come together to play above themselves, while at the same time catching the opposition on a bad day, to create a mixture for victory. I mean, the Chiefs have two wins; and this guy is their coach. There's absolutey no excuse for not winning a single game all year.

So yes, I want Detroit to lose a close one this coming Sunday. And please believe I will be laughing maniacally at them. Don't spoil my hopes, Detroit.



Peace.

Letters to a Signal Caller: #74511 - Alex Smith

Dear Alex,

I never believed in you. I definitely preferred Aaron Rodgers over you coming out of college. However, when it was inevitable that you would be the one that the 49ers front office slated as the next franchise quarterback, I had to rally behind you because of my fan allegiance to the team. As I'm sure you know, being the quarterback of the 49ers comes with a storied tradition. Joe Montana and Steve Young are Hall of Fame passers, and by golly, Jeff Garcia went to the Pro Bowl; so you did have a lot to follow. Granted, the team hasn't had quality talent around you to allow your progression to be smooth; but you haven't exactly shown bright flashes of promise in your two-plus years as the starter.

At the beginning of this season, you lost that privilege to J.T. O'Sullivan; who, while may also be a sixth round pick, isn't exactly Tom Brady. But, then again, you aren't exactly Drew Bledsoe, either. In fact, you're more Tim Couch and Ryan Leaf than Drew Bledsoe (end brief rant). Now with your latest injury, it's evident that your days by the Bay are numbered. But so you don't leave thinking that the organization is cutting you for a few reasons, let me tell you exactly why you won't be on the 49ers anymore:

*You suck.

It's not because Mike Nolan didn't want to give you a chance, or that the offensive scheme doesn't fit your strengths as a quarterback.

It's because you suck.

You're not good. You suck.

You see? I have evidence of your futility, so there's no hard feelings, Alex. Just make sure you warn Tim Tebow of the dangers of being a product of Urban Meyer's offense. Maybe the Ravens will pick you up so I won't have to mail you this letter; and I can deliver it to you personally...but you'll probably fumble that, too.



Peace.

*If you're confused, go here for a reference

Letters to a Signal Caller: Letter 40218-B - Matt Cassel

I've been longing to add a little more football to Fundamentally UnSound; and with my last post being so interesting, I'm going to (yet again) start a new open-ended series in which I write heart-filled letters to various quarterbacks of the NFL. After this weekend's past events, it's only proper that I start with Patriots starter Tom Brady Matt Cassel...

Dear Mr. Cassel:

First off, let me start by congratulating you on having a tremendously comfortable adult life. Ever since your high school graduation, you have been blessed to be placed in the most lavish of positions. At USC, you sat behind two Heisman winners, attempting only 33 passes during your stay in Southern Cal; yet you still managed to get drafted by the Patriots. Because you were drafted to New England, there was no chance you would ever see meaningful playing time. That, of course, is due to being waaaaaay behind the depth chart to one Tom Brady (*rose petals scatter forth as celestial music plays*). The Golden Boy ensured that you were relegated to permanent clipboard holder and allowed to continue your stress-free adulthood. Your life is even easier than Jim Sorgi's, because at least he had to start a few games at Wisconsin and wanted to sell Maytags on the side.

Oh, but how life has a funny way of working sometimes. Thanks to Bernard Pollard, you are at the helm of a team that's coming off the most devastating Super Bowl loss in history; and while they're not counting on you to throw 50 touchdowns, you will have to make some throws and do more than just "manage the game." In your substitution duty, you were pretty good. But now, teams will have film on you. Defensive coordinators will be able to break down your strengths and weaknesses. You'll have to process information and make the play yourself. No more standing on the sideline with a headset for you, buddy.

While your task is daunting, it isn't impossible. In fact, you have several examples on which to lean for support. In 1999, Trent Green went down with an injury, thus giving former grocery bagger Kurt Warner a career that includes two MVPs and a Super Bowl ring. Even the Golden Boy himself has Mo Lewis to thank for paving the way to allow his magnificence to be unleashed. You know those 1972 Dolphins, the team that loathed your team's very existence last year? Hall of Fame quarterback Bob Griese broke his leg midway through their undefeated season. Earl Morrell stepped in and we're left with this intense level of senior citizen douchebaggery for the foreseeable future. You are also subbing for a first-ballot Hall of Famer, and have the hoodied mastermind as your coach, so you have some things that are in your favor.

Mr. Cassel, life has just gotten a little tougher for you. My advice to you is to make good decisions, with your most important being that you make sure #81 is happy. After all, you can't be worse that Alex Smith, so there's that. Congrats on the opportunity.



Peace.

NFL Final Destination

It was a pretty interesting first week of the 2008-09 NFL season. LaRon Landry learned to never tackle Brandon Jacobs high again. Vince Young is beginning to lose passengers from his own bandwagon. Matt Forte and Michael Turner appear to be worth their respective lofty pick and signing. And the 49ers still can't score two touchdowns (so everything isn't interesting). However, what everyone's talking about is Brodie Croyle's Tom Brady's season-ending injury at the hands of some guy. Regardless how you feel about the Patriots, this season will lose a little intrigue without the Golden Boy under center.

Now, I wouldn't be the conspiracy theorist I am if I didn't have a unique, beyond coincidental reason as to why #12 got hurt, and it has nothing to do with him not being on the injury list for the first time in 56 games...

For those of you that don't know, there exists an increasingly credible entity in the football realm known as the "Madden Curse." Ever since the popular video game has switched to using NFL players on the cover, each of them have had something bad happen to them. From Eddie George and Marshall Faulk's drastic dips in production, to Michael Vick and Shaun Alexander's injuries, the Curse has claimed each player in some way. For Madden 2009, [then-Packers QB #4] was chosen to be on the cover as a final tribute on what was supposed to be the end of his career. We all know and are sick of the story, and now he's a member of the New York Jets. So what is the Madden Curse supposed to do now?

In search of the answer, I'm reminded of the "Final Destination" three-movie series in which Death constructed a plan to have certain people die in various big accidents. When those involved avoided those accidents, Death came back and attempted to kill them in order (the deaths look like this) The twist is that if and when the victims somehow avoided Death's second attempt at terminating them, Death skipped to the next person in its order. But what does this have to do with [now Jets QB #4] and Tom Brady? *rose petals scatter forth as celestial music plays*

Since [Jets QB #4] switched teams after being on the cover of Madden, the Curse became confused. It was [Jets QB #4]'s way of "cheating Death." So, as in "Final Destination," the Madden Curse went to the next person in order. I believe that Tom Brady was slated to be on the cover of Madden 2010, therefore making him the Curse's next target. How else can some unknown safety injure the other Mr. Perfect twenty minutes into the season? Don't blame Bernard Pollard, Patriots fans. He was merely a pawn in the Madden Curse's diabolical scheme to eliminate the Golden Boy. There were some powerful forces at work last Sunday...

So who's next on the Madden Curse's list? Did Shawne Merriman's decision to have season-ending surgery spell doom on the likes of potential cover guys Willie Parker and Maurice Jones-Drew? Every one of those players that can potentially be on the cover of Madden better keep an eye out for signs that something sinister is between the sidelines. All except for Adrian Peterson, of course; for he is divine, holy and running back eternal.

And yes, I blame [Jets QB #4] for this, too.



Peace.

Other Winners In The [Jets QB #4] Trade

As you know, here at Fundamentally UnSound—when not ranking cartoon songs—I look to delve deeper into the stories to uncover the topics that go undiscussed in the mainstream media. And with [Jets QB #4]'s debut against the Redskins last weekend, I will share a few entities that are big winners from his trade to New York. I don't mean the Jets, [QB #4], or even Aaron Rodgers, because those are obvious. I will outline a few that people may know have been affected by [Jets QB #4]'s move to The Meadowlands.


Jeff Garcia

During the courting period for [Jets QB #4]'s services, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers were one of the teams on the short list; although you wouldn't know it if you listen to the GM. Well, that definitely sit well with quarterback incumbent Jeff Garcia. He knew that if [Jets QB #4] joined the team, he would likely be replaced as the starter and probably released from Tampa Bay. While he probably would be picked up by a team in dire need of a veteran passer, Garcia doesn't have the time left in his career to be on a team in the process of rebuilding. The Bucs are probably his last shot to be on a Super Bowl contender, and he realized [Jets QB #4] would have messed that up for him. Who knew he was so vocal? I mean, by golly.


Eli Manning and The New York Giants

Peyton's little brother took a big step forward in his progression last year. Somewhere between his shoulder shrugs and sippy cup sips, he learned how to play quarterback. Part of the Giants' Super Bowl run last is attributed to the fact that there was no pressure on them to win. Outside of, maybe, the Tampa Bay game, they were the underdogs. Well, three road wins—and the greatest-broken-play-turned-catch ever later—Eli has a ring like Peyton, and a new douchebag fan in Eugene "Mercury" Morris. The reason why he benefits from [Jets QB #4] joining him in New Jersey York is because Eli doesn't seem to thrive under pressure. With [Jets QB #4] drawing mass attention from the media, Eli and Co. can fly under that proverbial radar again.


Adrian Peterson

He has no direct ties to the [Jets QB #4] trade, except for the reason that he is Purple Jesus; and he benefits from all things. By default, he and his disciples are the best team in the NFC North; and this allows for Tavaris Jackson to further grow into the leader of the Vikings without having to worry about a serious division race. Just turn around and hand the ball to #28, my son.

CBS

Once [Jets QB #4] became a part of the AFC, CBS immediately saw dollar signs. I'm placing the over/under on Jets' telecasts at eight, including the regular season opener against Miami, and both games versus the Patriots. I probably won't be able to see each of these games because I'm within the realm of the Ravens' market. This means I get to see Troy Smith's progression. Time to ghostride the farm in celebration! Somehow, I believe that there will be constant in-game cuts to Jets games in progress at every chance CBS gets. So now, the network with the eye has the three biggest-named quarterbacks in the conference with which they have television rights; and can juggle their coverage how they see fit. Pats-Colts? Check. Pats-Jets twice? Uber-check. Strangely, Jets-49ers won't be shown; which is probably for the best.

It was tough finding some good to come out of all this [Jets QB #4] coverage, but a good number of people have benefited from him stepping out of his Wranglers and back into pads. We'll just see how much he, "loves to play the game," when D'Brickishaw Ferguson misses a block and [Jets QB #4] gets obliterated on his blind side. Please, Purple Jesus, make it so.


Peace.

Things I Hate: Football Edition

At first, this was going to be for baseball. However, with the news of Pacman's trade in principle, I feel I should celebrate this moment in football history. The forecast in Dallas now calls for...wait for it...rain! I wonder who's his, "Ms. Pacman?" My bet is on Jessica Simpson. She looks like someone that could be persuaded to leave Tony Romo by a video game character. Anyway, if you read the first of these, you know how this goes. If you didn't, I suggest you do so or something will happen to you. Maybe something kinda cool that doesn't really hurt...or this. You know, it's your choice. As usual, I won't address any of the traditional things; but I do have a newcomer at the top spot...

(I urge you to click the hyperlinks if you can. They help to explain things.)

1.) Partiots Fans...
Think back to 1999 for a minute. Go ahead I'll give you a few sentences. This pick has nothing to do with their team's tainted success since the turn of the millenium. This is about their, "supporters," and the douchebaggieness that comes with them. Okay, now that you're in that 1999 state of mind (NSFW), do you remember the Patriots being good? My point is that from the period of 1986 to 2000, New Englanders—Massholes—must've thought football no longer existed...and that includes the Super Bowl year of 1996. From William "Refrigerator" Perry scoring Walter Payton's touchdown in Super Bowl XX to Tom Brady's first game action after Mo Lewis ruptured Drew Bledsoe's spleen in 2000, there was no such thing as a loyal supporter of the New England Patriots. Now with Tom Brady and his Golden Boy-ability (he does date supermodels, after all)...

[Door flies open, rose petals scatter forth while celestial music plays]

..Other sports fans have to suffer through their incessant rambling about how Bill Bellichick is a god. I'm not saying they shouldn't support their team, but it's the manner in which they do it. It's almost to the point where you hate them for the sole purpose that they won't shut up about it. I wanted to see history, but deep down, I thank Eli-sha Manning and the Giantsfor ending that undefeated run. Massholes almost make Mercury Morris tolerable. Almost.

2.) Emmitt Smith as an NFL Analyst...
For those that can stand to watch Sunday NFL Countdown and those shows on ESPN during football season, you may know why this is a great pick. For those of you that don't, it seems the statistically greatest running back in NFL history isn't exactly a proficient speaker. Apparently, that University of Florida education is not as good as once believed. Need proof? You're in luck. First, there's this minor slip-up. Still not convinced? I have another one for you. Not quite? How about an entire portion of a website dedicated to his anthology; and his incredible lack of grammar skills. I would say that all those hits damaged his brain, but Tom Jackson can at least form words correctly. But don't worry, ESPN says he's getting better...


3.) The "Prevent" Defense...
Have you ever watched a game in which Team A's defense is dominating Team B's offense for about three quarters. Then, in what seems to be in miraculous fashion, Team B figures it out and proceeds to march down the field for the go-ahead score? And it seems that he aggressiveness that Team A once showed is gone; and it seems that they're just sitting back, slowly allowing Team B to progress? Well, in most cases, Team A falls victim to their coach implementing the Prevent defense. It's intention is to drop a lot of coverage guys to keep the big pass play from happening and make the opposing offense take a bunch of time to score. However, most of today's offenses are based on rhythm, and allowing them to continuously gain positive yards is just a ridiculous idea. I'm not talking about when Team B has to drive 80+ yards and needs a touchdown in 30 seconds. I mean when there's 5+ minutes on the clock, and Team A is only up a field goal. Show some aggressiveness. I'm looking at you, Herm Edwards. I thought you play to win the game...Hello!


4.) The New York Jets' Drafting Strategy...
I'm no NFL GM. I'm not trying to make fun of what is undoubtedly a terribly difficult and nerve-wrecking job to have. A GM's reputation can be molded by how he does with draft picks. However, when it comes to the draft, there's a group of people in the, "War Room," that are combining their mental capacities to select the right player for their franchise. Well, there must be some interference in the Jets' War Room because they have had some head-scratching picks over the years. It begins before my time with them passing on Dan Marino for Ken O'Brien in 1983. Don't know who Ken O'Brien is? Exactly. The took fullback Roger Vick in the first round of the 1987 draft. They drafted defensive end Bryan Thomas in 2002. Know who he is? Right. Just know that Ed Reed and Lito Sheppard were selected after him. 2003 pick, and recently released, Dewayne Roberston was selected before Terrell Suggs, Troy Polamalu, Larry Johnson, and Willis McGahee. Did I mention they once drafted a fullback in the first round? I didn't even discuss drafting Doug Jolley. Someone needs to instruct them how to better scout prospects, especially in the first round. Most of those picks are either no longer on the roster; or not very good (word to Ladainian). I don't know what's funnier: Their recent draft picks, or the fact that someone created a compilation video about their Draft Day blunders.


5.) Shaun Alexander...
At initial brainstorming of this note, he was a lock for the number one spot. However, having him here at #5 seems about right. I guess it's sort of symbolic for his colossal collapse in the past two seasons. Alexander, or, "Sweet Man," as one my esteemed members of my sports braintrust calls him, was the NFL MVP of the 2005-2006 season. In hindsight, this production was primarily due to him being in his contract year; and wanting to be paid. There's certainly nothing wrong with that—get your money while you can. However, after that, Alexander no longer played with the passion needed to perform in professional sports. I would argue that he never played that way, simply because although he was putting up incredible stats, no defensive player was intimidated by him. Now that same braintrust member was hoodwinked into believing that Alexander was actually soft, because he took him before Ladanian Tomlinson in his fantasy league (Ha!). His last two seasons, granted, were hampered by injuries. Even so, it was obvious Alexander did not love the game of football; if he ever did at all. He would run and avoid contact, not like an elusive back, but as a scared one. I mean, Dirk Nowitzki says Shaun Alexander is soft. Vince Carter thinks he mails it in. With his release by the Seahawks this week, I didn't feel the need to beat a dead horse. Oh well...Congrats on getting paid and relaxing an outstanding career.

6.) Bonus...
I won't continue with the tradition of naming players that I dislike (for football reasons), because--other than Sweet Man, Cedric Benson, and Kyle Boller--there aren't that many I can say I dislike. However, for those of you that like football and live in the DC area, I will leave you with this information I discovered while being around FedEx Field: Owner Daniel Synder is a douchebag. Big time. He speaks to you as if you're not worthy of being in his presence. He wasn't mean to me or his workers around him; but he did give them a mean mug when they celebrated a good play. Just thought I'd share that with you.


Peace.

Chad Johnson: Catch Ocho-Cinco

The Roots are amazing. I defy you to find anything as fresh as this in music today.

Finally. I have a topic to be the basis of my first non-basketball post. I honestly thought it would be baseball, but whatever. So you can celebrate with me in a number of ways: the fist pump; head-butt the stadium wall; or hit yourself in the head with a tennis racket...I mean, it's your choice.


If you were watching the last five minutes of the 6 p.m. SportsCenter on April 2nd, you saw and heard the interesting, informational, and somewhat awkward (at least to Brian Kenny) interview with Chad Johnson. As you football fans know, there's an ever-growing rift between Ocho-Cinco and the Cincinnati Bengals organization. As you also know, the Bengals have other, more significant in-house issues they need to deal with; and for some reason, Johnson gets roped in as a problem of the same magnitude. The Bengals are a mess, and Johnson decided to voice his displeasure on the situation. He has noisily subliminally asked to be traded, which is commonplace in today's sports. Now, because of his opinion, he's being criticized for being obnoxious.


It's in this that I find fault with the media (again). Granted, Chad Johnson is loud, flashy, and isn't doing a lot to help out his team by making radio show rounds saying that he'll play Arena Football before he plays for the Bengals. We all know that's false—he's just frustrated. Chad Johnson will show up for the first mandatory team meeting, run his routes, and embarrass opposing defensive backs like always. But Chad Johnson has nothing to do with how many of his teammates end up in handcuffs. He's not in the draft room with the GM selecting players despite them having character issues. Did they not know that Chris Henry was teammates with Pacman Jones at WVU? That alone should be a concern; or maybe they could've considered the fact that Henry had to sit out a season in college for criminal charges—just like Pacman did...


Anyway, back to Ocho Cinco (seriously, it's "ochenta y cinco"). Chad Johnson is the second-best player on the Bengals, and one of the, "veteran leaders" of the team. So shouldn't he have the authority to express frustration with the direction his team is headed? One could argue that three seasons ago, Cincinnati was one chop-block away from a serious playoff run; and since then, their team has underachieved each season. Johnson, however, hasn't. He's maintained his production on the field, and continues to remain among the top pass-catchers in the league; so I seriously doubt he's been any sort of the problem. Some may argue his end-zone celebrations are a bit arrogant and unnecessary; but I continue to maintain—in order to have a touchdown celebration, you must score a touchdown. This means that you must produce on the field and impact the result on the scoreboard in order to celebrate afterwards. I've yet to see a "five-yard completion," celebration dance. Heaven forbid the man enjoys playing a sport most of us play for free. Football, at its root, is a game. You play games, but once you become a professional at a game, you are no longer allowed to celebrate. So, by this logic, I can celebrate winning a meaningless game of Madden (who want it?); but Chad Johnson can't celebrate a touchdown in real life? Whatever...


It's in this ongoing tug-of-war that #85 is torn. On one hand, the Bengals and NFL exploit his personality for the power of a dollar; but blast him for having an opinion. And on the other hand, if he were the complete opposite—and didn't care what happened to the franchise—he'd be chastised for not caring enough about the game and acting lackadaisical towards his profession. Either way, he loses. I side with him and would rather be myself and receive flack for that, then be a "company man" and receive the same amount of criticism.


While it's probably over for him in the 'Nati, Chad Johnson's not the reason for the dysfunction of the Bengals. If anything, he's someone they should have supported from Day One. So, when the day comes that he's on another team (come on 'Niners), we'll see how Carson Palmer feels about it.


Peace.