Things I Hate: Football Edition

At first, this was going to be for baseball. However, with the news of Pacman's trade in principle, I feel I should celebrate this moment in football history. The forecast in Dallas now calls for...wait for it...rain! I wonder who's his, "Ms. Pacman?" My bet is on Jessica Simpson. She looks like someone that could be persuaded to leave Tony Romo by a video game character. Anyway, if you read the first of these, you know how this goes. If you didn't, I suggest you do so or something will happen to you. Maybe something kinda cool that doesn't really hurt...or this. You know, it's your choice. As usual, I won't address any of the traditional things; but I do have a newcomer at the top spot...

(I urge you to click the hyperlinks if you can. They help to explain things.)

1.) Partiots Fans...
Think back to 1999 for a minute. Go ahead I'll give you a few sentences. This pick has nothing to do with their team's tainted success since the turn of the millenium. This is about their, "supporters," and the douchebaggieness that comes with them. Okay, now that you're in that 1999 state of mind (NSFW), do you remember the Patriots being good? My point is that from the period of 1986 to 2000, New Englanders—Massholes—must've thought football no longer existed...and that includes the Super Bowl year of 1996. From William "Refrigerator" Perry scoring Walter Payton's touchdown in Super Bowl XX to Tom Brady's first game action after Mo Lewis ruptured Drew Bledsoe's spleen in 2000, there was no such thing as a loyal supporter of the New England Patriots. Now with Tom Brady and his Golden Boy-ability (he does date supermodels, after all)...

[Door flies open, rose petals scatter forth while celestial music plays]

..Other sports fans have to suffer through their incessant rambling about how Bill Bellichick is a god. I'm not saying they shouldn't support their team, but it's the manner in which they do it. It's almost to the point where you hate them for the sole purpose that they won't shut up about it. I wanted to see history, but deep down, I thank Eli-sha Manning and the Giantsfor ending that undefeated run. Massholes almost make Mercury Morris tolerable. Almost.

2.) Emmitt Smith as an NFL Analyst...
For those that can stand to watch Sunday NFL Countdown and those shows on ESPN during football season, you may know why this is a great pick. For those of you that don't, it seems the statistically greatest running back in NFL history isn't exactly a proficient speaker. Apparently, that University of Florida education is not as good as once believed. Need proof? You're in luck. First, there's this minor slip-up. Still not convinced? I have another one for you. Not quite? How about an entire portion of a website dedicated to his anthology; and his incredible lack of grammar skills. I would say that all those hits damaged his brain, but Tom Jackson can at least form words correctly. But don't worry, ESPN says he's getting better...


3.) The "Prevent" Defense...
Have you ever watched a game in which Team A's defense is dominating Team B's offense for about three quarters. Then, in what seems to be in miraculous fashion, Team B figures it out and proceeds to march down the field for the go-ahead score? And it seems that he aggressiveness that Team A once showed is gone; and it seems that they're just sitting back, slowly allowing Team B to progress? Well, in most cases, Team A falls victim to their coach implementing the Prevent defense. It's intention is to drop a lot of coverage guys to keep the big pass play from happening and make the opposing offense take a bunch of time to score. However, most of today's offenses are based on rhythm, and allowing them to continuously gain positive yards is just a ridiculous idea. I'm not talking about when Team B has to drive 80+ yards and needs a touchdown in 30 seconds. I mean when there's 5+ minutes on the clock, and Team A is only up a field goal. Show some aggressiveness. I'm looking at you, Herm Edwards. I thought you play to win the game...Hello!


4.) The New York Jets' Drafting Strategy...
I'm no NFL GM. I'm not trying to make fun of what is undoubtedly a terribly difficult and nerve-wrecking job to have. A GM's reputation can be molded by how he does with draft picks. However, when it comes to the draft, there's a group of people in the, "War Room," that are combining their mental capacities to select the right player for their franchise. Well, there must be some interference in the Jets' War Room because they have had some head-scratching picks over the years. It begins before my time with them passing on Dan Marino for Ken O'Brien in 1983. Don't know who Ken O'Brien is? Exactly. The took fullback Roger Vick in the first round of the 1987 draft. They drafted defensive end Bryan Thomas in 2002. Know who he is? Right. Just know that Ed Reed and Lito Sheppard were selected after him. 2003 pick, and recently released, Dewayne Roberston was selected before Terrell Suggs, Troy Polamalu, Larry Johnson, and Willis McGahee. Did I mention they once drafted a fullback in the first round? I didn't even discuss drafting Doug Jolley. Someone needs to instruct them how to better scout prospects, especially in the first round. Most of those picks are either no longer on the roster; or not very good (word to Ladainian). I don't know what's funnier: Their recent draft picks, or the fact that someone created a compilation video about their Draft Day blunders.


5.) Shaun Alexander...
At initial brainstorming of this note, he was a lock for the number one spot. However, having him here at #5 seems about right. I guess it's sort of symbolic for his colossal collapse in the past two seasons. Alexander, or, "Sweet Man," as one my esteemed members of my sports braintrust calls him, was the NFL MVP of the 2005-2006 season. In hindsight, this production was primarily due to him being in his contract year; and wanting to be paid. There's certainly nothing wrong with that—get your money while you can. However, after that, Alexander no longer played with the passion needed to perform in professional sports. I would argue that he never played that way, simply because although he was putting up incredible stats, no defensive player was intimidated by him. Now that same braintrust member was hoodwinked into believing that Alexander was actually soft, because he took him before Ladanian Tomlinson in his fantasy league (Ha!). His last two seasons, granted, were hampered by injuries. Even so, it was obvious Alexander did not love the game of football; if he ever did at all. He would run and avoid contact, not like an elusive back, but as a scared one. I mean, Dirk Nowitzki says Shaun Alexander is soft. Vince Carter thinks he mails it in. With his release by the Seahawks this week, I didn't feel the need to beat a dead horse. Oh well...Congrats on getting paid and relaxing an outstanding career.

6.) Bonus...
I won't continue with the tradition of naming players that I dislike (for football reasons), because--other than Sweet Man, Cedric Benson, and Kyle Boller--there aren't that many I can say I dislike. However, for those of you that like football and live in the DC area, I will leave you with this information I discovered while being around FedEx Field: Owner Daniel Synder is a douchebag. Big time. He speaks to you as if you're not worthy of being in his presence. He wasn't mean to me or his workers around him; but he did give them a mean mug when they celebrated a good play. Just thought I'd share that with you.


Peace.