Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Unnecessary Rankings: Schoolhouse Rock! (#20 - #11)

One day before David Stern's wet dream reaches copulation the NBA Finals begin, and my boredom is becoming endless by the hour. I really wish that I could travel back in time and snatch Larry Bird's towel out his hand. ESPN, I get it. The Lakers and Celtics have played each other a lot of times in the Finals. These teams have combined for half of the league's total championships. There were really hard fouls by players wearing really short shorts. I understand. My advice, show something else. You can hold off on your love affair with these two teams for a little while. I apologize for that vent. Onward to the unnecessary rankings.

Continuing with my newest method of suppressing boredom, today's unnecessary ranking is based on a timeless classic...Schoolhouse Rock! Schoolhouse Rock started in 1971 and was a staple among Saturday morning cartoons for 30 years. Creator David McCall found a way to successfully combine music and educational topics. If you were a fan, I guarantee you still remember the melodies to most of the tunes on this list. It's tough to really rank these because there are so many songs. Schoolhouse Rock is divided into grammar, multiplication, science, money, and America. They added a few computer songs, but I won't include those because they aren't in the same league as the originals. It's just a lot of songs, so I decided to stretch the list to twenty songs over two posts. Again, if you're picky about this list, then you're missing the true intent of these rankings. They're just to break the monotony of the everyday life. If you feel some kind of way about Interplanet Janet's position, then you need a social life pronto. So, without further ado, let's reveal the rankings...and you should definitely know what #1 is.

20.) Elbow Room

Leading off the countdown is SHR's song explaining the USA's expansion as a country. They cover the Louisiana Purchase and the Westward Expansion. Most of the explanations after the songs will be short like this...

19.) Energy Blues

This video informs children that even Planet Earth gets fatigued sometimes. He goes through all the different resources we use for energy. I wonder how many of your teachers/parents kept you from saying, "dammin'" if you sung this song.

18.) Figure Eight

Figure Eight is the first of the many multiplication songs on this list. Some may say that this song isn't getting enough respect on here. The fact that it even made this list is an accomplishment in itself, and it's no slight to the song that it manages to rank at number 18. Anyway, it's a three-minute song about the multiples of eight.

17.) Victim of Gravity

Another underrated song. I'll admit this one wasn't at the front of my memory once I began compiling the rankings; but upon re-hearing it, it definitely belongs on here. This one was composed with a feel like "Happy Days" or 70's movies like "Grease." The singer questions why things fall, and takes us through the initial discovery of gravity. To think, we know about gravity because of a piece fruit.

16.) Them Not-So-Dry Bones

The title is an obvious play on the song, "Dem Bones." This song is about the skeletal system. I did find the skeleton putting on the skin like a body suit kinda creepy, though.

15.) The Body Machine

The title say it all. This SHR song was about the human body and how it needs the proper foods to remain healthy. With these explanations getting shorter and shorter, I think my boredom's winning. Can the game start already?

14.) Lucky Seven Sampson

At number 14, a singing rabbit named Lucky Seven Sampson shows us how to multiply by...wait for! One thing that struck me as odd is that the rabbit is so lucky that he never had to work. Another thing is that he kinda causes mischief through all his multiplying. I don't think that's a good subliminal message to send to kids.

13.) Interjections!

Obvious title. Interjections. Oh look, they're showing the Kurt Rambis foul again. *Yawn*

12.) Three-Ring Government

At number twelve, SHR portrays the government as a three-ring circus. I'll leave you to make the political joke that has been properly served up by this song. Little known fact: this song was delayed from being aired because they feared politicians would hate said circus analogy. Again, I'll leave you to have your way with political humor.

11.) $7.50 Once A Week

Rounding out the bottom ten is a song about a kid receiving $7.50 a week to spend. Bear in mind that SHR was made in the 1970's, so prices were a little different. He makes a couple of bad decisions, and is prematurely broke. This song is clearly the precursor for The Beets hit, "I Need Mo' Allowance." The similarities of how the SHR kid thinks that doing chores will perhaps get him more money and the Beets kid asking for more allowance for doing chores are...coincidental.

Soon, I'll reveal the top 10. That is also known as, "Which songs come after 'I'm Just A Bill' and 'Conjunction Junction.'" Peace.

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