David Stern in The 36 Chambers

It's the first day without basketball in months, and I nearly lost my mind. Only thinking through RPG games while listening to The Pharcyde and Slum Village's mellowness kept me sane. I needed a Stephen A. Smith rant or something that lets me know that the hoops season isn't over. Besides that, there's no more TNT basketball panel. So while there's thankfully no more Reggie Miller doing color commentary, there's also no more EJ/The Jet/Sir Charles either. Anyway, this is another one of those posts that I've had on my mind for awhile, but felt needed the proper time for it to be written. Well, with the Championship round about to start, that opportunity has arisen.

I used to believe that David Stern was a blatant racist. No joke. I felt that every marketing move and rule change was to aid the Caucasian players. Take the defensive three seconds call. That was clearly instituted so Shaq couldn't camp in the paint, so my position had a little foundation to it. Then, as more scandals—Tim Donaghy, The "Malice in the Palace," etc.—began to happen, I realized that the Commissioner's not openly about racism, but rather he lives by an ancient proverb: C.R.E.A.M. (NSFW and neither are the other songs)...word to the Wu-Tang Clan. In fact, David Stern must be a fan of the Killa Bees. I'll explain...

The NBA is more popular than ever. David Stern, with the help of Michael Jordan his keen sense of marketing, was able to turn the sport of professional basketball into a billion-dollar business. Before the Bird-Magic rivalries, the NBA was nothing more than a tape-delayed afterthought. Now, as previously stated, the NBA is a business; flourishing off both its good brand of basketball, as well as its individual stars. To me, the game lacks overall intensity and competitive drive; but I can't deny how appealing it is to spectators. I'm digressing. That post will come in due time. Back to our regularly scheduled commissioner...

You may be wondering what David Stern and the Wu have in common. The answer to that is money. Stern's primary concern is for the NBA to have a sizable bottom line at the end of each season. He will do anything to increase that final profit. Anyone that does anything that may damage that bottom line (read: get fans to stop watching/attending) is immediately removed from the situation, and should definitely, "Protect [His] Neck (NSFW)." I'll list a few examples...

It's been long established that the four main franchises of the NBA reside in New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, and Boston. Stern realizes that if these franchises aren't relevant, than neither is his league. The Spurs decade of winning has proven that immensely. With everyone's dreamy Finals matchup of the Lakers and Celtics having fans reminiscing to 1985, and the Bulls "randomly" having the #1 pick in the upcoming draft (yeah, I believe it's 1985 again), Stern has the casual fan hooked throughout the summer. I know some of you are saying that if Stern had a hand in it then the Knicks would have the first selection. See, that's the beauty of his thinking. He knows the Knicks aren't a one-year fix, so why not give the team that was the preseason co-favorite to win the Eastern Conference the #1 pick? Then, Stern will somehow give Donnie Walsh and Mike D'Antoni the ability to hastily retool the Knicks' roster, and give them a top pick next year. The Knicks are something like $50 million over the salary cap, but they mysteriously can still sign free agents. Baron to MSG? It'll probably happen; and don't be surprised if a certain #23 follows suit in two years. Then, in two to three years, each of the four big market teams will be respectable again; and all that's left is for Stern to put a team somewhere in Europe (oh, it's coming, people).
But just as David Stern would do anything to see his league succeed, he doesn't want anyone tangling the web he's woven. This is where, specifically, Tim Donaghy enters the picture. Here's a conspiracy I've concocted in the past few weeks. I wholeheartedly somewhat believe that David Stern knew about Tim Donaghy's gambling, but didn't say anything because a) it would damage his reputation and more importantly b) In the 2006 Finals, Dwyane Wade was blossoming into another superstar to further power his NBA machine. So, and this is all unfounded speculation, he went to Donaghy and asked for a piece of his winnings as a M.E.T.H.O.D. (man) to tax him for his transgression. Donaghy probably declined at some point, and was immediately excommunicated. David Stern brought, "Shame on a [ref]," (NSFW, duh) in the form of labeling Donaghy as a, "rogue referee," and all blame is removed from the league. Before you chalk that theory as total nonsense, ask yourself, "Do you really think only one person was corrupted? Do you think Donaghy kept all this to himself?" I don't...

So here we are. David Stern has his dream Finals (another future post), and in all likelihood, no longer has to worry about the Spurs and Pistons meeting again for the title. One thing for sure, is that David Stern ain't nothin' to f--- wit. You know, it wouldn't shock me if he had "Wu-Tang Forever," and this was his favorite joint ever. I can see him rapping along with Inspectah Deck, "I bomb atomically. Socrates' philosophies and hypotheses can't define how I be droppin' these mockeries. Lyrically perform armed robbery. Flee with the lottery; possibly they spotted me..." Nah, he's probably more of a GZA fan, just because he relates to him as a genius. He damn sure wasn't fond of O.D.B. I'm just saying...that Thursday can't get here fast enough.
Peace.