Shampoo Players

After watching the self-suffocation of the Lakers in Game 4, part of me wants to join in the imminent Mamba-humbling* that will surely be the topic of basketball beat writers and ESPN banter shows everywhere. But no, I will hold back my laughter and talk about something more positive...

Everyone says the timeless cliche-like analysis that the NBA Finals are where superstar players should, "step up to the stage," and be able to, "handle the bright lights." While that is very true and annoying when repeated like a new idea, however, there's one element that tends to be overlooked as the playoffs progress.

It seems to me that in most of the NBA Finals series I've watched in which the two teams are relatively equal, the play of the role players is paramount in determining the winner. You may be thinking, "Well, duh. Jon Barry said that before Game 1." If you are, then I don't know how you survived watching the nonstop monotony of ESPN's coverage...because I didn't—I watched "Animaniacs" songs to dispel my boredom. Anyway, Jon Barry's superficiality of that analysis isn't what I meant by role players. I'm referring to role players that seem to have such an impact on the game that people watching and players/coaches participating can only scratch their heads in amazement. These are guys that wouldn't even be an afterthought if it were not for their brief moments of extraordinary play. I'll explain...

In almost every critical game of a Finals series, there have been performances by role players that have grasped victory for that winning team. It may be a huge scoring game, or just one single shot. An example of the latter for Knicks fans: Avery. Effing. Johnson. I can take every game of this series so far as a microcosm of my theory. In Game 1, Rajon Rondo had 15, 5, and 7. In Game 2, the casual fans collectively wondered, "Who the hell is Leon Powe?". Sasha Vujacic and his ribbon headband became the first player on a Phil Jackson-coached team to score 20+ off the bench. And with last night's game, James Posey and Eddie House continuously made the Lakers pay for over-committing on dribble penetration. Need further proof? Meet me below the next random picture...

In the series-clinching game of the 2003 Finals—Spurs versus Nets—most people may remember Timmy's near-quadruple-double performance (21, 20, 10, and 8 blocks). But it was Stephen Jackson's 17 points combined with Speedy Claxton's 13, while a young Tony Parker watched from the bench, as San Antonio put away New Jersey. The box score is here.

To my recent knowledge, and not doing a whole bunch of research about it, there is only one series I can think of in which role players weren't really necessary for victory. That is the 2006 Finals, where Dwyane Wade, with the help of Tim Donaghy the NBA League Office Shaq's presence in the post, stepped out of the phone booth and defeated the Mavs by his sheer awesomeness. This isn't another random and unnecessary shot at Dirk; but it kind of is one at the Mamba—only this one is reasonable and premeditated.* But, as I previously stated, I think the analysts will thoroughly cover that idea. Hey, it'll give me a reason to watch NBA coverage again; instead of Euro 2008 (Go Portugal?).

So the next time you watch a meaningful NBA Finals, instead of looking for the superstars to play celestially; look for the players from anonymity to contribute as though they were basketball titans. Peace.

*For the record, if anyone ever tells me Kobe is on par with His Airness again, something like this will happen to you. Dwyane Wade didn't let his team lose in the Finals, and that was before we knew that his Mama liked G2. His Airness doesn't shoot 6-19 in a Finals game. Ever.

Unnecessary Rankings: Schoolhouse Rock! (#10 - #1)

This is the second part of the top 20 songs from Schoolhouse Rock. So, without the long introduction, let's get right to number 10...

10.) Telegraph Line

This will probably be another disputed pick. The three-minute tune about how the nervous system leads off the top ten. This is no slight to this joint; but to me, the other nine are just better.

9.) Rufus Xavier Sarsparilla

That's a long name, right? Well, SHR shows you just how tiring it would be if one continuously had to say someone's name in a sentence. Thank language for pronouns, otherwise people would be sick of saying each other's names.

8.) Verb: That's What's A Happenin'!

Grammar Rock's musical summation of verbs lands at number eight. Hey look, it's a Black guy in a superhero outfit talking about words for change! That seems like a visual metaphor for someone in real life. Were the SHR producers foreshadowing to something today? If you believe that, then seek help.


7.) I Got Six

At number seven is the multiplication song about the number six. SHR jazzed this one up nicely, as well. The trumpets were a nice touch. The game is today, right? Just checking.


6.) My Hero, Zero

As the title could lead you to believe, this isn't a song created by Wizards fans about Gilbert Arenas, although it could be. SHR showed how zero allows us to count numbers to infinity; and recognizes its value as a place holder.


5.) Here I Come (5's)

This is purely coincidence that the fifth-best SHR song is the one about the multiples of five. I don't know that it would be appropriate for the "teacher/singer" to be playing hide-and-seek with small children; but whatever.


4.) Three Is A Magic Number

This song is easily superior to the rest of the Multiplication Rock tunes. The guitar and drum combination is perfect. Then, throw in the bass, and learning to multiply by three has never sounded so good. At least, when you're nearly dead from boredom. Is this how I'm going to be after basketball season's over?



3.) Electricity, Electricity

The first lock of the countdown. Everyone knows the hook. SHR shows how electricity is conducted through various power sources. That conductor is the man, especially since you rarely see his eyes.

2.) Conjunction Junction

Conjunction Junction would easily be number one, if the current number one didn't exist. I didn't watch the top two videos until it was time to hyperlink them because they would cause me to disrespect the rest of the songs on here. That's how good Conjunction Junction is. And number one (as if there was any doubt) is even better.

1.) I'm Just A Bill

It bears repeating. The top two songs are so good, that I didn't watch them until it was time to hyperlink them to keep my list as objective as possible. Everyone knows, at minimum, the first two lines of I'm Just A Bill. There's no need for explanation; just enjoy.

There shouldn't be any debate about the top three, at least; but if you agree/disagree with any of the rankings, the comment box is there for you. If this didn't make you smile—or you didn't sing at least five of these—then you have no soul.


Peace.

With The First Pick, The US Voting Public Select...

Here at Fundamentally UnSound, I try not to have too many serious posts. The reason is while I want my blog to force people to think, I also want it to be a place where people can find some humor to take their minds away from the stresses of everyday life. However, in light of the Democratic Presidential nomination being all but wrapped, I'm compelled—for a few reasons—to speak on the new number one draft pick: Barack Hussein Obama. This won't be about his policies or his Iraq strategy, or anything...political, per se. If you frequent this blog, then you know I like to focus on the underlying ideas and theories that aren't mainstream enough to be regularly discussed. I'm going to present Senator Obama as if he followed the paths of a few famous/infamous draft prospects. But first, let's review his scouting report...

Based on the speeches, interviews, and debates I've seen, Barack Obama is a very charismatic individual. The way he speaks, one could believe he could read a cooking recipe and receive a standing ovation. He has excellent social skills. If his intelligence isn't already evident, he graduated from Harvard Law School writing the law reviews. That means he told other Harvard Law students what to write and how to write it. In sports terms, he possesses all the tools.

As with potentially franchise-saving players, Obama has a lot of outside pressures that are placed on him. With everyone still reeling from the Dubya Administration, the prospect of someone with new ideas is welcome with open arms. Then, throw in the fact that he's a "fresh face," and now you allegedly have a previously uninterested demographic now wanting to vote (read: most Black people). With his scouting report done, I'll now project him in the light of a few recent #1 overall picks.

Lebron James

This is the pick most people expect Barack Obama to turn out to be. Most Black people want him to be the savior of all that is African-American. They expect him to swoop in, like some sort of Super(Half)Negro, and rescue everyone. However, this isn't limited to just Black issues. People expect him to instantly lower gas prices, make health care free, and bring the troops home before dinner time. Regardless of how he develops as a President, whatever ideas he has for the country will take a minimum of two years to really blossom. Most people believe Lebron will win his share of titles in New York Cleveland; just like most expect Obama to work wonders from the Oval Office (insert Bill Clinton joke here). While supporters like myself have become witnesses, let's not forget that even King James needed Daniel Gibson to rise up to help him get to the Finals. And when Lebron's teammates didn't show up against the Spurs, he wasn't strong enough to carry him alone. This is the fate Obama will suffer if people don't realize that change starts with every person, not with the President. This brings me to an idea that few people refuse to acknowledge; and it's the path the next #1 pick traveled...

Kwame Brown

There's a notion that a lot of people aren't willing to accept as a possibility. What if Barack Obama, will all this hype, is a terrible Commander-in-Chief? What if he's in over his head, like Kwame is in the Association, and can only manage flashes of potential? Face it, folks. That can happen. I don't know what makes him oblivious to mistakes, when it's a known fact that he has very limited experience. This is not to wish any negative things on him. I'm just refusing to wear the rose-colored glasses that most supporters seem to put over their eyes when discussing him. Just because he's charismatic doesn't mean he's infallible. Now, he can't be traded like Kwame was; but he'd only be guaranteed the next four years...and that's if nothing happens. Conspiracy, anyone?

Michael Vick

Obama's time in office could go along the path of Michael Vick. Things could start out great, with him being the most electrifying President&mdashdespite not being totally adept at the position. He could perform his equivalent of being the first quarterback to win a game at Lambeau Field. Then, some event could be his presidency's version of Ed Hartwell breaking his leg; and the series of happenings could cause his term to be cut short. I'm not implying anything criminal...well on his part, anyway. I'm just saying that they shot John F. Kennedy. From that, I gather that no P.O.T.U.S. is safe...

Joe Smith

This is the path that has the most realness to it. He could be University of Maryland's own Joe Smith, a number one pick that manages to revive his career from Bustville Cemetary. For the first part of his career, Smith was widely viewed as overrated. Now, especially after his trade to Cleveland, he's somehow underrated as a player. Obama's possible term to follow the same road. The policies and decisions he makes could leave him ridiculed at early outset. But as his term progresses, his judgment garners more and more appreciation; and he'll be undervalued in U.S. history. To me, this is still a letdown when one considers the tremendous fanfare Obama has going into the election. I guess his charisma could be his version of Joe Smith's 15-foot jumper...

No one knows what the future holds for Barack Obama. The only thing certain is that his draft stock can't get much higher. All that's left is to see how he develops over the next four years. Oh, and he does have my vote.



Peace.

Unnecessary Rankings: Schoolhouse Rock! (#20 - #11)

One day before David Stern's wet dream reaches copulation the NBA Finals begin, and my boredom is becoming endless by the hour. I really wish that I could travel back in time and snatch Larry Bird's towel out his hand. ESPN, I get it. The Lakers and Celtics have played each other a lot of times in the Finals. These teams have combined for half of the league's total championships. There were really hard fouls by players wearing really short shorts. I understand. My advice, show something else. You can hold off on your love affair with these two teams for a little while. I apologize for that vent. Onward to the unnecessary rankings.


Continuing with my newest method of suppressing boredom, today's unnecessary ranking is based on a timeless classic...Schoolhouse Rock! Schoolhouse Rock started in 1971 and was a staple among Saturday morning cartoons for 30 years. Creator David McCall found a way to successfully combine music and educational topics. If you were a fan, I guarantee you still remember the melodies to most of the tunes on this list. It's tough to really rank these because there are so many songs. Schoolhouse Rock is divided into grammar, multiplication, science, money, and America. They added a few computer songs, but I won't include those because they aren't in the same league as the originals. It's just a lot of songs, so I decided to stretch the list to twenty songs over two posts. Again, if you're picky about this list, then you're missing the true intent of these rankings. They're just to break the monotony of the everyday life. If you feel some kind of way about Interplanet Janet's position, then you need a social life pronto. So, without further ado, let's reveal the rankings...and you should definitely know what #1 is.



20.) Elbow Room

Leading off the countdown is SHR's song explaining the USA's expansion as a country. They cover the Louisiana Purchase and the Westward Expansion. Most of the explanations after the songs will be short like this...


19.) Energy Blues

This video informs children that even Planet Earth gets fatigued sometimes. He goes through all the different resources we use for energy. I wonder how many of your teachers/parents kept you from saying, "dammin'" if you sung this song.

18.) Figure Eight

Figure Eight is the first of the many multiplication songs on this list. Some may say that this song isn't getting enough respect on here. The fact that it even made this list is an accomplishment in itself, and it's no slight to the song that it manages to rank at number 18. Anyway, it's a three-minute song about the multiples of eight.



17.) Victim of Gravity

Another underrated song. I'll admit this one wasn't at the front of my memory once I began compiling the rankings; but upon re-hearing it, it definitely belongs on here. This one was composed with a feel like "Happy Days" or 70's movies like "Grease." The singer questions why things fall, and takes us through the initial discovery of gravity. To think, we know about gravity because of a piece fruit.

16.) Them Not-So-Dry Bones

The title is an obvious play on the song, "Dem Bones." This song is about the skeletal system. I did find the skeleton putting on the skin like a body suit kinda creepy, though.



15.) The Body Machine

The title say it all. This SHR song was about the human body and how it needs the proper foods to remain healthy. With these explanations getting shorter and shorter, I think my boredom's winning. Can the game start already?


14.) Lucky Seven Sampson

At number 14, a singing rabbit named Lucky Seven Sampson shows us how to multiply by...wait for it...seven! One thing that struck me as odd is that the rabbit is so lucky that he never had to work. Another thing is that he kinda causes mischief through all his multiplying. I don't think that's a good subliminal message to send to kids.



13.) Interjections!

Obvious title. Interjections. Oh look, they're showing the Kurt Rambis foul again. *Yawn*

12.) Three-Ring Government

At number twelve, SHR portrays the government as a three-ring circus. I'll leave you to make the political joke that has been properly served up by this song. Little known fact: this song was delayed from being aired because they feared politicians would hate said circus analogy. Again, I'll leave you to have your way with political humor.


11.) $7.50 Once A Week

Rounding out the bottom ten is a song about a kid receiving $7.50 a week to spend. Bear in mind that SHR was made in the 1970's, so prices were a little different. He makes a couple of bad decisions, and is prematurely broke. This song is clearly the precursor for The Beets hit, "I Need Mo' Allowance." The similarities of how the SHR kid thinks that doing chores will perhaps get him more money and the Beets kid asking for more allowance for doing chores are...coincidental.



Soon, I'll reveal the top 10. That is also known as, "Which songs come after 'I'm Just A Bill' and 'Conjunction Junction.'" Peace.

Unnecessary Rankings: Animaniacs Songs

With the NBA Finals still two days away, I need another avenue in which to channel my creativity—and by, "channel my creativity," I mean, "find new ways not to succumb to sheer boredom." Hey, David Stern, I know that the Lakers-Celtics series gets you all giddy; but you're going to have to find a better way to fill in the time other than having ESPN showing the cheap shot on Kurt Rambis. I didn't even hyperlink to that clip because I'm really sick of it. Anyway, onto the intent of this post...

Growing up in the 90's in the Chocolate City metro area, I was exposed to a lot of things. Mayors getting busted for drugs, the Washington basketball team naming contest, and Michael Westbrook are all things I would classify as negatives. However, one positive I can say is I was a product of the greatest era of cartoon shows in the history of animated television. Continuing with a theme I started on Facebook, I'm going to rank songs from cartoon shows, by show, every once in awhile. From time to time, everyone needs a break from the monotony of life, so these silly lists are that break. Besides, who doesn't love a good cartoon? First up is Animaniacs.

Steven Spielberg's animated creations—Yakko, Wakko, and Dot Warner—owned animated comedy for much of the mid-90's. The Warner Brothers (and the Warner sister) are the monkey/dog/cat/bunny-like reincarnations of their Looney Tunes ancestors. They cause all the havoc of Bugs Bunny, times three. But as silly as this show is, it had some pretty educational stuff in it. It was like Sesame Street, only with more anvils. Besides classic skits like "Mime Time" and "Good Idea, Bad Idea," this show had some pretty awesome songs; and I will be ranking them. Poor Dr. Scratch-n-Sniff. I couldn't find enough quality Animaniacs pictures for this, so randoms it is. Let's reveal the rankings...

10.) The Ballad of Magellan

Kicking off this list is the Warners' song about the travels of explorer Ferdinand Magellan. In this song, the Warners accompany Magellan, accidental discoverer of the world's roundness. I don't know if he encountered that much bad luck along the way, but one only thinks its justified since he searched for India...by sailing westward. Sixteenth century inventors were semi-douchebags, but that topic's not for this here blog.

9.) Yakko's Universe

Like the oldest Warner said, "It's a great big universe; and we're all really puny." While I maintain I'm bigger than Mickey Rooney, I can't help but notice the evolution overtones in this song. In fact, they even redid a line: something about being essential when you're really inconsequential. There's another line about evolution in that song, but it doesn't take away from it's musicianship.

8.) The U.S. Presidents Song

All three siblings combine to take us through the 42 (at the time) P.O.T.U.S. in chronological order. They even provide a little rhyming quip of information about each Commander in Chief. I certainly didn't know that Thomas Jefferson had a fight with his wife, and had to sleep on the couch. Maybe that's why he fathered all those slave children had more time to write the Declaration of Independence.

7.) Schnitzelbank

In this episode, the Warners venture to Germany to learn the universal song of friendship. I can't pronounce the doctor's name; and if you can, then you have wasted a period of time in your life that you can't get back, smart person. I don't understand German, but for the most part, the song's lyrics are: "Is this a [insert thing here]? Ya, this is [insert thing here]!" Who cares? It's dope.

6.) The Senses Song

Everyone knows there are five actual senses, a sixth sense that's common sense, and a host of other figurative senses. Well, in case you didn't, the Warners outline most of those for you in this song.

5.) I'm Cute

Dot takes the lead in singing about her favorite topic: how cute she is. Yakko and Wakko get increasingly bored backing up their sister's narcissism; and Dot gets increasingly angry with them. The joys of having siblings, I suppose.

4.) What are We

I'm sure every kid wondered what animal the Warner siblings are. To this day, it still hasn't been settled. Dr. Scratch-n-Sniff was brave enough to ask Yakko, Wakko, and Dot. Big mistake, Doc. You should have stuck to your guess that you sang about in the next song on this countdown.

3.) The Monkey Song

As stated above, the Good Doctor calls the Warners monkeys. I don't know what scientific research he used as a substantial basis for his hypothesis. Meaning, I don't know of any monkeys with floppy ears and tails. Anyway, the Caribbean vibe to this joint was a nice touch. And yet again, the suggestive lyrics when Yakko and Wakko are ogling Hello, Nurse. Good thing you don't have to explain those kinds of things to toddlers...yet.

2.) I'm Mad

Another colossal mistake by Dr. Scratch-n-Sniff. He decides to take the Warners on a long road trip to an amusement park. If you have been in the car with young siblings, you know how annoying they become to each other and to the adults present. However, it ended up working out; and everyone had a good time...for the most part.

1.) The Nations of the World

An easy number one choice to me. It's also the reason why Wakko's rendition of the 50 U.S. states and their capitals didn't make this list. The other ten songs are too good to leave off, and with Yakko's world song on here, I was able to have both. Don't like it? Why are you being picky anyway? Back to Yakko, the fact that someone took the time to rhyme every country in the world is amazing. It's also proof that this show wasn't a waste of the E/I rating it received. As I stated, Animaniacs is educational, except it has more physical comedy.

So there you have it. Agree, disagree, be indifferent, or whatever. There's no denying the awesomeness of Animaniacs. Now, I leave you with this "Good Idea, Bad Idea" compilation, for your inner child's enjoyment.

Peace.

David Stern in The 36 Chambers

It's the first day without basketball in months, and I nearly lost my mind. Only thinking through RPG games while listening to The Pharcyde and Slum Village's mellowness kept me sane. I needed a Stephen A. Smith rant or something that lets me know that the hoops season isn't over. Besides that, there's no more TNT basketball panel. So while there's thankfully no more Reggie Miller doing color commentary, there's also no more EJ/The Jet/Sir Charles either. Anyway, this is another one of those posts that I've had on my mind for awhile, but felt needed the proper time for it to be written. Well, with the Championship round about to start, that opportunity has arisen.

I used to believe that David Stern was a blatant racist. No joke. I felt that every marketing move and rule change was to aid the Caucasian players. Take the defensive three seconds call. That was clearly instituted so Shaq couldn't camp in the paint, so my position had a little foundation to it. Then, as more scandals—Tim Donaghy, The "Malice in the Palace," etc.—began to happen, I realized that the Commissioner's not openly about racism, but rather he lives by an ancient proverb: C.R.E.A.M. (NSFW and neither are the other songs)...word to the Wu-Tang Clan. In fact, David Stern must be a fan of the Killa Bees. I'll explain...

The NBA is more popular than ever. David Stern, with the help of Michael Jordan his keen sense of marketing, was able to turn the sport of professional basketball into a billion-dollar business. Before the Bird-Magic rivalries, the NBA was nothing more than a tape-delayed afterthought. Now, as previously stated, the NBA is a business; flourishing off both its good brand of basketball, as well as its individual stars. To me, the game lacks overall intensity and competitive drive; but I can't deny how appealing it is to spectators. I'm digressing. That post will come in due time. Back to our regularly scheduled commissioner...

You may be wondering what David Stern and the Wu have in common. The answer to that is money. Stern's primary concern is for the NBA to have a sizable bottom line at the end of each season. He will do anything to increase that final profit. Anyone that does anything that may damage that bottom line (read: get fans to stop watching/attending) is immediately removed from the situation, and should definitely, "Protect [His] Neck (NSFW)." I'll list a few examples...

It's been long established that the four main franchises of the NBA reside in New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, and Boston. Stern realizes that if these franchises aren't relevant, than neither is his league. The Spurs decade of winning has proven that immensely. With everyone's dreamy Finals matchup of the Lakers and Celtics having fans reminiscing to 1985, and the Bulls "randomly" having the #1 pick in the upcoming draft (yeah, I believe it's 1985 again), Stern has the casual fan hooked throughout the summer. I know some of you are saying that if Stern had a hand in it then the Knicks would have the first selection. See, that's the beauty of his thinking. He knows the Knicks aren't a one-year fix, so why not give the team that was the preseason co-favorite to win the Eastern Conference the #1 pick? Then, Stern will somehow give Donnie Walsh and Mike D'Antoni the ability to hastily retool the Knicks' roster, and give them a top pick next year. The Knicks are something like $50 million over the salary cap, but they mysteriously can still sign free agents. Baron to MSG? It'll probably happen; and don't be surprised if a certain #23 follows suit in two years. Then, in two to three years, each of the four big market teams will be respectable again; and all that's left is for Stern to put a team somewhere in Europe (oh, it's coming, people).
But just as David Stern would do anything to see his league succeed, he doesn't want anyone tangling the web he's woven. This is where, specifically, Tim Donaghy enters the picture. Here's a conspiracy I've concocted in the past few weeks. I wholeheartedly somewhat believe that David Stern knew about Tim Donaghy's gambling, but didn't say anything because a) it would damage his reputation and more importantly b) In the 2006 Finals, Dwyane Wade was blossoming into another superstar to further power his NBA machine. So, and this is all unfounded speculation, he went to Donaghy and asked for a piece of his winnings as a M.E.T.H.O.D. (man) to tax him for his transgression. Donaghy probably declined at some point, and was immediately excommunicated. David Stern brought, "Shame on a [ref]," (NSFW, duh) in the form of labeling Donaghy as a, "rogue referee," and all blame is removed from the league. Before you chalk that theory as total nonsense, ask yourself, "Do you really think only one person was corrupted? Do you think Donaghy kept all this to himself?" I don't...

So here we are. David Stern has his dream Finals (another future post), and in all likelihood, no longer has to worry about the Spurs and Pistons meeting again for the title. One thing for sure, is that David Stern ain't nothin' to f--- wit. You know, it wouldn't shock me if he had "Wu-Tang Forever," and this was his favorite joint ever. I can see him rapping along with Inspectah Deck, "I bomb atomically. Socrates' philosophies and hypotheses can't define how I be droppin' these mockeries. Lyrically perform armed robbery. Flee with the lottery; possibly they spotted me..." Nah, he's probably more of a GZA fan, just because he relates to him as a genius. He damn sure wasn't fond of O.D.B. I'm just saying...that Thursday can't get here fast enough.
Peace.