Unnecessary Rankings: Schoolhouse Rock! (#20 - #11)

One day before David Stern's wet dream reaches copulation the NBA Finals begin, and my boredom is becoming endless by the hour. I really wish that I could travel back in time and snatch Larry Bird's towel out his hand. ESPN, I get it. The Lakers and Celtics have played each other a lot of times in the Finals. These teams have combined for half of the league's total championships. There were really hard fouls by players wearing really short shorts. I understand. My advice, show something else. You can hold off on your love affair with these two teams for a little while. I apologize for that vent. Onward to the unnecessary rankings.


Continuing with my newest method of suppressing boredom, today's unnecessary ranking is based on a timeless classic...Schoolhouse Rock! Schoolhouse Rock started in 1971 and was a staple among Saturday morning cartoons for 30 years. Creator David McCall found a way to successfully combine music and educational topics. If you were a fan, I guarantee you still remember the melodies to most of the tunes on this list. It's tough to really rank these because there are so many songs. Schoolhouse Rock is divided into grammar, multiplication, science, money, and America. They added a few computer songs, but I won't include those because they aren't in the same league as the originals. It's just a lot of songs, so I decided to stretch the list to twenty songs over two posts. Again, if you're picky about this list, then you're missing the true intent of these rankings. They're just to break the monotony of the everyday life. If you feel some kind of way about Interplanet Janet's position, then you need a social life pronto. So, without further ado, let's reveal the rankings...and you should definitely know what #1 is.



20.) Elbow Room

Leading off the countdown is SHR's song explaining the USA's expansion as a country. They cover the Louisiana Purchase and the Westward Expansion. Most of the explanations after the songs will be short like this...


19.) Energy Blues

This video informs children that even Planet Earth gets fatigued sometimes. He goes through all the different resources we use for energy. I wonder how many of your teachers/parents kept you from saying, "dammin'" if you sung this song.

18.) Figure Eight

Figure Eight is the first of the many multiplication songs on this list. Some may say that this song isn't getting enough respect on here. The fact that it even made this list is an accomplishment in itself, and it's no slight to the song that it manages to rank at number 18. Anyway, it's a three-minute song about the multiples of eight.



17.) Victim of Gravity

Another underrated song. I'll admit this one wasn't at the front of my memory once I began compiling the rankings; but upon re-hearing it, it definitely belongs on here. This one was composed with a feel like "Happy Days" or 70's movies like "Grease." The singer questions why things fall, and takes us through the initial discovery of gravity. To think, we know about gravity because of a piece fruit.

16.) Them Not-So-Dry Bones

The title is an obvious play on the song, "Dem Bones." This song is about the skeletal system. I did find the skeleton putting on the skin like a body suit kinda creepy, though.



15.) The Body Machine

The title say it all. This SHR song was about the human body and how it needs the proper foods to remain healthy. With these explanations getting shorter and shorter, I think my boredom's winning. Can the game start already?


14.) Lucky Seven Sampson

At number 14, a singing rabbit named Lucky Seven Sampson shows us how to multiply by...wait for it...seven! One thing that struck me as odd is that the rabbit is so lucky that he never had to work. Another thing is that he kinda causes mischief through all his multiplying. I don't think that's a good subliminal message to send to kids.



13.) Interjections!

Obvious title. Interjections. Oh look, they're showing the Kurt Rambis foul again. *Yawn*

12.) Three-Ring Government

At number twelve, SHR portrays the government as a three-ring circus. I'll leave you to make the political joke that has been properly served up by this song. Little known fact: this song was delayed from being aired because they feared politicians would hate said circus analogy. Again, I'll leave you to have your way with political humor.


11.) $7.50 Once A Week

Rounding out the bottom ten is a song about a kid receiving $7.50 a week to spend. Bear in mind that SHR was made in the 1970's, so prices were a little different. He makes a couple of bad decisions, and is prematurely broke. This song is clearly the precursor for The Beets hit, "I Need Mo' Allowance." The similarities of how the SHR kid thinks that doing chores will perhaps get him more money and the Beets kid asking for more allowance for doing chores are...coincidental.



Soon, I'll reveal the top 10. That is also known as, "Which songs come after 'I'm Just A Bill' and 'Conjunction Junction.'" Peace.

Unnecessary Rankings: Animaniacs Songs

With the NBA Finals still two days away, I need another avenue in which to channel my creativity—and by, "channel my creativity," I mean, "find new ways not to succumb to sheer boredom." Hey, David Stern, I know that the Lakers-Celtics series gets you all giddy; but you're going to have to find a better way to fill in the time other than having ESPN showing the cheap shot on Kurt Rambis. I didn't even hyperlink to that clip because I'm really sick of it. Anyway, onto the intent of this post...

Growing up in the 90's in the Chocolate City metro area, I was exposed to a lot of things. Mayors getting busted for drugs, the Washington basketball team naming contest, and Michael Westbrook are all things I would classify as negatives. However, one positive I can say is I was a product of the greatest era of cartoon shows in the history of animated television. Continuing with a theme I started on Facebook, I'm going to rank songs from cartoon shows, by show, every once in awhile. From time to time, everyone needs a break from the monotony of life, so these silly lists are that break. Besides, who doesn't love a good cartoon? First up is Animaniacs.

Steven Spielberg's animated creations—Yakko, Wakko, and Dot Warner—owned animated comedy for much of the mid-90's. The Warner Brothers (and the Warner sister) are the monkey/dog/cat/bunny-like reincarnations of their Looney Tunes ancestors. They cause all the havoc of Bugs Bunny, times three. But as silly as this show is, it had some pretty educational stuff in it. It was like Sesame Street, only with more anvils. Besides classic skits like "Mime Time" and "Good Idea, Bad Idea," this show had some pretty awesome songs; and I will be ranking them. Poor Dr. Scratch-n-Sniff. I couldn't find enough quality Animaniacs pictures for this, so randoms it is. Let's reveal the rankings...

10.) The Ballad of Magellan

Kicking off this list is the Warners' song about the travels of explorer Ferdinand Magellan. In this song, the Warners accompany Magellan, accidental discoverer of the world's roundness. I don't know if he encountered that much bad luck along the way, but one only thinks its justified since he searched for India...by sailing westward. Sixteenth century inventors were semi-douchebags, but that topic's not for this here blog.

9.) Yakko's Universe

Like the oldest Warner said, "It's a great big universe; and we're all really puny." While I maintain I'm bigger than Mickey Rooney, I can't help but notice the evolution overtones in this song. In fact, they even redid a line: something about being essential when you're really inconsequential. There's another line about evolution in that song, but it doesn't take away from it's musicianship.

8.) The U.S. Presidents Song

All three siblings combine to take us through the 42 (at the time) P.O.T.U.S. in chronological order. They even provide a little rhyming quip of information about each Commander in Chief. I certainly didn't know that Thomas Jefferson had a fight with his wife, and had to sleep on the couch. Maybe that's why he fathered all those slave children had more time to write the Declaration of Independence.

7.) Schnitzelbank

In this episode, the Warners venture to Germany to learn the universal song of friendship. I can't pronounce the doctor's name; and if you can, then you have wasted a period of time in your life that you can't get back, smart person. I don't understand German, but for the most part, the song's lyrics are: "Is this a [insert thing here]? Ya, this is [insert thing here]!" Who cares? It's dope.

6.) The Senses Song

Everyone knows there are five actual senses, a sixth sense that's common sense, and a host of other figurative senses. Well, in case you didn't, the Warners outline most of those for you in this song.

5.) I'm Cute

Dot takes the lead in singing about her favorite topic: how cute she is. Yakko and Wakko get increasingly bored backing up their sister's narcissism; and Dot gets increasingly angry with them. The joys of having siblings, I suppose.

4.) What are We

I'm sure every kid wondered what animal the Warner siblings are. To this day, it still hasn't been settled. Dr. Scratch-n-Sniff was brave enough to ask Yakko, Wakko, and Dot. Big mistake, Doc. You should have stuck to your guess that you sang about in the next song on this countdown.

3.) The Monkey Song

As stated above, the Good Doctor calls the Warners monkeys. I don't know what scientific research he used as a substantial basis for his hypothesis. Meaning, I don't know of any monkeys with floppy ears and tails. Anyway, the Caribbean vibe to this joint was a nice touch. And yet again, the suggestive lyrics when Yakko and Wakko are ogling Hello, Nurse. Good thing you don't have to explain those kinds of things to toddlers...yet.

2.) I'm Mad

Another colossal mistake by Dr. Scratch-n-Sniff. He decides to take the Warners on a long road trip to an amusement park. If you have been in the car with young siblings, you know how annoying they become to each other and to the adults present. However, it ended up working out; and everyone had a good time...for the most part.

1.) The Nations of the World

An easy number one choice to me. It's also the reason why Wakko's rendition of the 50 U.S. states and their capitals didn't make this list. The other ten songs are too good to leave off, and with Yakko's world song on here, I was able to have both. Don't like it? Why are you being picky anyway? Back to Yakko, the fact that someone took the time to rhyme every country in the world is amazing. It's also proof that this show wasn't a waste of the E/I rating it received. As I stated, Animaniacs is educational, except it has more physical comedy.

So there you have it. Agree, disagree, be indifferent, or whatever. There's no denying the awesomeness of Animaniacs. Now, I leave you with this "Good Idea, Bad Idea" compilation, for your inner child's enjoyment.

Peace.